What To Do When Your Spouse Is Yelling At You for the 45324th Time:

Hello, everyone! I hope all of you guys had a fantastic St. Patrick's Day! Today I'm going to talk about a topic that every couple struggles with every once in a while: handling conflicts! You know the saying that good couples don't ever have disagreements and conflict? Nothing could be further from the truth, as every couple will have disagreements due to the simple fact that we are all different from each other. We have different ideas, ways of viewing and perceiving things, etc. Most importantly, each of us has our own feelings that need addressing in a relationship.

With that being said, there is a correct way and an incorrect way to handle a conflict that comes up in a couple. A lot of people handle conflicts the incorrect way, harming their relationship. Luckily, there is a guideline out called "The Five Secrets of Effective Communication" with crucial information about handling those situations. That guideline is what I'm going to be talking about in today's blog, so let's dive right into it!

Let's pretend you're married to a spouse, assuming you aren't already (if you are, perfect, no pretending is necessary). Now imagine that your spouse is blaming you for something they claim you did or didn't do. They're pretty mad about it, and they're making sure that you know. I want to first emphasize that there is a right and wrong way that arguments can happen. This example shows a conflict that is happening in the wrong way. Unfortunately, you cannot control how your spouse starts a disagreement, but you are able to control how you respond and handle the situation.

The first step in "The Five Secrets of Effective Communication" is the Disarming Technique (DT). This is probably the hardest step of all the five; the idea of this step is finding truth in what your spouse is saying, even if it seems unfair or unreasonable. For example, your spouse is coming at you because you didn't sweep the floor and that the house looks dirty. You might have swept the floor, but the house indeed might still look very dirty. Acknowledge that fact, and agree with them that the house is indeed very dirty. Instead of putting up a wall defending yourself, you can disarm the situation and show them that you are open.

The second step in "The Five Secrets of Effective Communication" is Empathy. Put yourself in their shoes; try seeing the situation in their eyes and perspective. The way you can do this is by paraphrasing what your spouse is saying. This shows them that you're actually listening to them, and that they aren't talking to a brick wall. The reason a lot of fights escalate is that one person feels like their feelings and words aren't getting through. As a result, they either fight harder or give up altogether, both being very damaging results.

The third step in "The Five Secrets of Effective Communication" is Inquiry (IN). Ask gentle, probing questions to learn more about what the patient is feeling. This shows them even more that you care about them, because you invite them to expand on their feelings. Like I said, when people argue, they are used to having to escalate to get their point across. When you show them they don't have to, it cannot be overstated how much that can deescalate the problem.

The fourth step in "The Five Secrets of Effective Communication" is "I Feel" Statements (IF). Express your feelings tactfully, using low-key, dignified language. Use "I feel" statements (such as "I'm also feeling upset") rather than "you" statements (such as "you're not listening") which puts the other person on the defensive. Notice how there is a pattern here: don't ever get defensive.

The fifth step in "The Five Secrets of Effective Communication" is Stroking. Find something genuinely positive to say, even in the heat of battle. Convey an attitude of respect, even though you may feel frustrated. This is very hard to do, as emotions can be very strong. Marriage requires a certain type of emotional mastery that is, again, supernatural.

There you have it, these five steps are the key to having meaningful and constructive conflicts that can build and strengthen your marriage. If you have any comments or thoughts, leave them below! I would love to hear them!